sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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