did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
barbara walters just said penis...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
These tits shall not be calmed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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