she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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