That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
