did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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