Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
