Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I need water and some morals
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
