Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
