Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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