I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
