Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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