is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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