The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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