the condom got lost in my hair
only you would photoshop your dick
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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