can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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