I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
