I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How external is "for external use only"?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
