spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
