I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
