Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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