The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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