he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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