she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
