"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You smell like stripper and shame
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
