You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
