I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
