well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
