Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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