Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
