Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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