1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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