Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
