U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
