I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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