I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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