Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
