so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
