woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
