I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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