today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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