$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
