My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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