My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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