Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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