I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
