You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
