Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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