kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's always time for handjobs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
