Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
