Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
