I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
