I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
