it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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